Holy Crap! Is That Edible!?

This completely blows my mind.

After my mind is blown, I'm totally thrown over a cliff when I read this:
"Don’t worry vegetarians, Baconnaise Lite is 100% Vegetarian and certified Kosher."

Please explain to me when and where we went so wrong? I don't have the most perfect diet, but to mix vegetarian bacon with mayonnaise, and then to make it "lite" on top of that...it's just so wrong. If you're a vegetarian, do yourself a favour and don't eat fake bacon mixed with mayonnaise. You may wake up in the morning with a third eye, or some other unwanted body part like a tail, or maybe even an extra set of teeth. If you aren't a vegetarian, then make yourself some good old fashioned bacon in a frying pan or the microwave if you must, and then lather on the mayonnaise afterwards. You can even purchase organic, local bacon these days, so go for it!

While on this topic, let's look at a few other items that throw me through a loop and make me question my existence as a human being.

Marshmallows are weird enough as it is, but this? 

Fluff. Otherwise known as "spreadable marshmallow substance". This terrifies me. What the heck is marshmallow made out of anyway? I'm too afraid to look up the ingredients. I enjoy a marshmallow about once a year but I make sure it's sandwiched with chocolate between a pair of graham crackers. This way, my taste buds are so overjoyed that I'm unable to think about what I'm actually ingesting.

I believe that this bad boy is the culprit of quicky food creation. The one that started it all.

Did you know that SPAM was born in 1937? That's quite a while ago for such nouveau age canned quickness. Are ya hungry kids? Shhhloppppp...the SPAM comes out of the can, cut off a few slices, fry er' up and there's dinner.  Anything to make life easier and more convenient! I just realized that all of the above items (SPAM, Fluff and Baconnaise) can be spread onto a lovely slice of white fluffy:

Wonder Bread! Who doesn't love Wonder Bread!? All this talk of delicious healthy wholesome food is making me crazy! We have come so far...who in the world needs to plant a potato anymore? Potatos come from a bag and now they're called chips! Chicken? It comes from the grocery store, silly. Where did you think it came from!? Orange juice? It comes from a box..obviously. All I have to say is watch out kids, your parents might take advantage of this convenient life and you might just get picked on in school:

Poor souls, they never saw it coming.

Things Said and Done, Betes Style.

Being a person that has diabetes, I've discovered many things about myself that put me in a category of my own. These are a few things that I've experienced over the years that a non-diabetic would probably never see (or do) during their lifetime:

1) Watch your finger spray a line of blood across your best shirt (this is after taking a blood sugar of course, my fingers don't just spontaneously combust).

2) Chug a HUGE glass of water mixed with about a cup of sugar.

3) Out of nervousness, tell your skydiving teacher (just before jumping out of the plane) that you're diabetic and that your sugar may drop severely while in the air and expect him to be okay with it.

4) Eat everything in the fridge in the middle of the night due to a low blood sugar, while staying over at your friends parents' place.

5) Pee in your bed (and I mean really pee your bed, like a litre of pee) in the middle of the night due to a high blood sugar. I was 21 years old when this happened and my boyfriend at the time was sleeping soundly next to me. Let me tell you, it was mortifying.

6) Tell your dentist you have diabetes and that's probably the reason why you have a cavity (didn't get away with that one).

7) Use your diabetes to get out of an oral presentation in boarding school and then have to sleep in the infirmary for two days so the school nurse could keep an eye on you.

8) Argue with your university professor about his use of Type 1 and Type 2 diabetes terms in front of everyone during a lecture. He was actually embarassed, and I felt bad...after the fact.

9) Become acutely aware of the amount of carbs in a banana, a pancake, a bowl of pasta, a slice of pineapple, a Starbucks hot chocolate, a cube of fudge (changes depending on size of said cube), anything really. I'm a whiz at carb counting yet I failed grade 9 math. It's still a mystery to me.

10) And last but not least, karate kick a co-workers chair while yelling "NO FOOD!?!?" after having run across the office to a department that usually has some snacks on their filing cabinet. It was very inappropriate and I got a few grumbles after doing that. Sometimes I get a bit aggressive and mouthy when my sugar is low.

All this to say that my diabetes has added a dash of colour to my life. 18 years of having diabetes can get tiresome at times but I keep on trekking and karate chopping, and I'm just fine. There are many more things that I've said or done while under the influence of too much insulin or too much sugar, but the ones listed are some of my favourites.

And for all of you non-diabetics out there: the next time you ask me if I'm going to go into a 'diabetic coma' right before I bite into a lovely piece of 'Death By Chocolate' cake, please watch yourselves. My sugar may be low right in that very moment and I won't be able to refrain from calling you a dolt and then eating my piece of cake, and yours too.

My insulin pump has been wrongly identified as a beeper among other things, on more than one occasion.